Pandemic Motherhood Diary, Entry 31: Can we go to the park?

By Melissa Menny

It was Saturday morning, and I was more than prepared to stay in. I welcomed it. I made breakfast, turned on toddler television for my sons, and prepared to spend my weekend in pajamas. That was until my four-year-old asked me, “What are we doing today? Can we go to the park?” At that moment, my brain turned into a ton of red flashing warning lights, all going off at the thought of leaving home and being around people, especially at the playground. Because I am working on not always saying no to my kids, I simply responded with, “Maybe.”

As everyone is already aware, there is no guide that tells you how to deal with a pandemic. So, when my son asks me about going places, especially activities that involve a large number of people, I secretly panic. All I can think about is one of us getting sick. I distinctly remember being in a play place for toddlers and being the only person there wearing a mask. When he asked me about going out at that particular time, I finally addressed the panic that I was feeling. I wondered, “Is this some type of PTSD?”

According to a 2023 study published in the Journal of Personalized Medicine, one-third of individuals who recover from COVID-19 proceed to exhibit posttraumatic stress disorder symptoms. Those symptoms typically include guilt, irritability, distressing memories, avoidance, and so much more. In my case, I was having some major fear, guilt, and avoidance issues, and I knew exactly what the obvious root was. Considering the fact that I have had COVID twice since the spread began, going outside of my house is mentally taxing.

What I’m experiencing has been experienced by many. Health Matters reported global studies showing that there had been an increase in anxiety, stress, and, yes, PTSD. But in this case, the term has been coined post-COVID stress disorder. This applies to those who have personally experienced COVID, whether they themselves were sick or dealt with a COVID-related death or were on the frontlines trying to combat it and save lives. We walk around knowing firsthand what being affected means for us. We know what it means for our loved ones. Watching your children go through it is a totally different layer of torture that I’m sure has maximized every fear that I feel regularly.

That Saturday, I opted to take my sons to the backyard to play soccer. I just couldn’t muster up the mental muscle to take them anywhere and deal with my personal paranoia. Plus, it was one of those rare occasions where none of us were sick. Not even a little bit. Those days have been so rare. When they happen, I just want to hold on to that little piece of utopia where no one is sneezing and coughing, and I don’t have to wonder if it is COVID again.

Melissa Menny is an author with a Bachelor of Arts degree in Journalism. She is a poet and a writer in all aspects. When she is not working, she enjoys painting, music, and spending time with her husband and two sons.

This is the most recent in a series of essays about raising young children in the COVID era. Read entry 30 here.